Monday, July 16, 2012

Right Where I am 2012: 1 year, 4 months, 21 days

I found this project online one night when i couldnt sleep. I havent written for awhile and have felt like it.. but havent done it. 
Where i am right now... I still miss my son.  I have spent the last 12 months thinking about the big picture. If Francis had lived.. i wouldnt have my James, who is two months old and a happy healthy little boy. So i can no longer wish that this didnt happen.. but I cant stop missing my son. 
   This is a hard thing to wrap your mind around. It almost feels like chosing one over the other.. although no one asked me.  
  My mother-in-law told a co-worker the other day that James is our third. It was all i could do not to scream .. NO.. We have four children. Why do people forget so easily? She held him for goodness sakes. To leave him out of things hurts for me. Because he is a part of our family. He just isnt here. And that sucks enough. 
 I tell everyone i have 4 children. Even ppl. i dont know. It is surprising how many people dont catch when i say Francis should be 1. They talk to me and say i have my hands full. I smile and think to myself... not full enough. 
   I find myself constantly looking at James and trying to find his brother in him. I worry sometimes that I have them confused.. because the pain isnt as unbearable anymore. This is not Francis. My son is dead. 
 I have his picture on my wall.. i look at it every day. It comforts me to see his little face. One that should have been changed so by now. I am afraid i would forget his face. 
   My children have no problem talking about death. They constantly ask their great-grandmother about when she dies. Will you keep your pacemaker when you die? How do you explain to a 5-year-old that they shouldn't have the understanding to ask that question. How do you keep things open so they can talk about their brother and not ask old people about their deaths. How do you explain to them that every balloon that people carry is not for their brother? 
  We are okay right now. The garden is growing.. the kids are doing great. We have our beautiful James  and are so blessed. We are busy and  happy. Smiling and being happy no longer feels like a betrayal to my son. But my heart still aches and my arms are not ever going to stop missing him. I just have to live with that. I think i am making peace with it. As much peace as one can i guess. I thank my sweet boy every day for the gift of his brother. James has helped me heal in a way that nothing else can. He gave us back hope. 

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