Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Last big one

The last big hurdle was today... at least the immediate one. A woman in my son's class had her baby. We laughed and joked while pregnant together about having to be friends because all three of our kids would be in classes together. I've been dreading this. I watch her in Mass and can hardly make it through just knowing her baby is going to come and mine didnt. Then i feel bad because she must notice that i avoid her at all costs.. what do i expect, everyone's baby to die?
   So i made it through dropping off my son as her parents happily brought their grandchild to school. High on the new life that they just were given. I didnt start compulsively shaking until i hit the van, at least there is that. So now I just have to get over this angry at everything and everyone hump. I went from prayerfully handling this to all of a sudden wanting to just scream at everyone.
   There is one month between me and February. Besides a broken heart and baby weight ( yeah.. why would you voluntarily not nurse. )  that is about all I have left weighing me down.  Now if i could only get on facebook or walk down the street without seeing someone has given birth to a healthy beautiful child. It makes me so happy for them, but stabs me in the heart as well. To know how close i was to having that. Wondering what i have done to not get it.
   Our diocese is publishing Jason's column about Francis in the Catholic Witness. I am happy for him to get published, but desperate for nothing good to come from our loss, I dont want to justify it.  But i guess anything that happens from here on out is because of him. I suppose at some point there will be happiness again.
   At least it is spring. I can look forward to planting my garden and watching the flowers grow. It gives me some hope. And hopefully under the pile of crap that has been 2011... there will be something green and full of hope.

1 comment:

  1. You will never forget but you will heal. I will continue to pray for you