I finally had a moment of peace the other day. Although somewhat short-lived it was nice to breathe for a few minutes. I sat up on our hill in the garden trying to thin out our veggies and it was a quiet warm and beautiful day. I could look down at my two living children playing in the yard and could turn and look up the hill at the yard our Francis is buried in... I actually felt okay.
The more i work in the garden with the kids and my husband the more managable things are. Although I could be happy to spend all my time out there. I feel closer to God with my hands in the dirt.
I can't quite walk up the hill to the cemetery but I can plant things to remember him halfway between our life and his resting place. No matter how much i want to go back and miraculously go into labor before he was taken, i cant.